Beyond Broken

Attachment

My Wanting Has No End

 

This phrase comes to me on a walk to the river.  Why is it so comforting?

“My wanting has no end.”

The first thing I notice is there is no judgment attached to it. If I say it this way, “there is no end to my wanting,” I hear judgment.   Judgments I have heard my whole life — “You are a bottomless pit and you are too needy.” I feel the familiar shame of my needs and wants. And almost before I feel this I feel an even more familiar litany of anger at all those who deny me. To be honest this “why haven’t you, why didn’t you?” plays in my head for a great majority of every day in a constant stream of turmoil and unrest.
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Understanding Is Not A Luxury

We are so often misunderstood that we begin to believe that understanding is a luxury. Even our closest friends or partners who listen attentively but then quickly try and fix us feels mis-attuned.

I am not sure how we come to live without understanding and stop our protests. Do we just assume we will be misunderstood and give up?

We might find a slight postural stance and freeze in our bodies. A small shrug – one shoulder up higher than the other – our head turned to the side – the body clearly saying, “whatever”.

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Celebration

Here is how it works! When you are little anyway.

You are almost two and have a ‘first’ moment.

Your first moment down a very steep slide, “Get ready, get set, go.” And you are flying. At the bottom you crack yourself up and then do it again and again and again. How smart you are.

How did you know to stretch out the moment of ‘firsts’ and until they land in in you?

How about the next ‘first’? When you can blow a bubble from the wand and watch it float on the wind. Again and again laughing wildly each time the bubbles stretch from the wand and take flight.

As we get older we take our ‘firsts’ for granted. A new insight in the therapy office, a new move at the gym, the first signs of spring, they barely get a nod, before we move on to what is next. Firsts get left in the moment as we speed on to the future.

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