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Beyond Broken

Attachment

The Dry Desert of Self Contempt

May 27, 2018

Each of us has words we say to ourselves silently that we would never speak out loud to anyone else.  These words become so familiar they barely reach conscious thought but they carry very negative energy.  With my clients we have excavated phrases like “you are such an idiot”, “you are a fat big”, “you do not even deserve to live”, or “you are worthless” and more.  You might be interested in listening for what you say to yourself.  This self-contempt is so painful, but is actually meant to protect us.  If we say these things to ourselves we will fend off the criticism of others.  We will whip ourselves into better shape (smarter, thinner, deserving, etc).  Sometimes these words were said to us and we have internalized them.  Sometimes we just lived in an environment where our significant others interacted with us in a way to make us draw these conclusions.  For example, one of my client’s Dad was a policeman.  When he came home after a long day of work all he wanted to do was watch police chase videos on TV or Pornography on the computer which was in the living room.  His Dad did not delight in him or show interest in him.  He drew the conclusion that he must be an idiot and he now has trouble focusing on tasks — finishing things he starts.  This of course confirms his phrase “You are such an idiot”.

The healing of this dynamic has some challenging but very clear steps.  Self-contempt is in our control.  First we have to excavate these phrases.  Listen for them in our background thoughts and self talk.  Then we have to challenge their validity.  Is it true I am idiot?  A fat pig?  This challenge immediately softens the energy these phrases carry.  Next we have to go into the early scenarios that began this self talk.  Go into the living room and feel how much you wanted your Dad’s attention and how he was not interested in you.  As you feel this also allow yourself to feel how this really happened to you.  You were a cute, creative kid.  You deserved attention and support.  You needed it.  Once you allow yourself to feel your feelings and really validate what happened, you are on your way to healing….

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Filed Under: Attachment, Pathwork, Self Exploration

Redemption

February 15, 2018

Redemption

An act of redeeming or atoning for a fault or mistake and returning to a state of being redeemed.

Here is what happened for me. I married my husband when I was 26. I was a very young 26. I needed a mother and a father as much as I wanted a husband. He was going to make up for all my losses — a happy ending to a sad life.

It wasn’t so easy. He had two young boys in our care. They were 5 and 7 and had lots of NEEDS. I did not understand what it meant to be a wife, let alone a mother. I did my best at each of those tasks and I wasn’t very good at them. Most of the time I was resentful of everyone else’s needs and competed with them for my husbands attention. And I was so afraid to love. What if they did not love me back? I had no understanding of, or way to hold this negativity inside. The little boys were cute, creative and so smart. How could I feel so mean? I hated myself ­— guilt, fear and resentment forming a toxic mix….

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Filed Under: Attachment, Relationship

Beyond Dreaming

October 22, 2017

Beyond Dreaming

We all dream.  Our dreams take the form of fantasies, day dreams and dreams while we sleep.  Dreams have different purposes.  One purpose is to correct reality.  You fix what is broken or unredeemable in fantasy — your wish for real life played out in dreams.  You  seek revenge or pride where there was humiliation.   You win where you have lost.  You are powerful where you were powerless.  Our dreams can be very soothing.  And it is very powerful to observe them rather than get lost in them.
…

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Filed Under: Attachment, Pathwork, Self Exploration, Trauma

Reflections From Nature

August 24, 2017

Last Saturday the Alt Right came to Charlottesville.  We witnessed them from our favorite breakfast spot.  They marched straight down Market Street in front of our window seat.  We witnessed one battalion after another dressed in different colors, representing differing ideologies with shields and clubs.  Some were outfitted with heavy combat gear including large guns and grenades.  We went out to the streets propelled to make real what felt so improbable.  Pepper spray and crowd agitation chased us away.  A state of emergency was declared 20 minutes later.  It was 11:00 am.  The Rally was not supposed to begin until noon.
…

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Filed Under: Attachment, Pathwork, Self Exploration

The Builders – What Are You Building?

August 1, 2017

This scene of our littlest grandchildren so earnestly at work moving sand this way and that and the Mary Oliver Poem, Song Of The Builders collided in my mind on an early morning,  just past sunrise, this week.

As Mary Oliver sat one morning to contemplate God she witnessed a grasshopper hard at work moving grains on a hillside.  She see’s both humility and great effort in the grasshopper’s task.
…

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Filed Under: Attachment, Pathwork, Self Exploration

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Wendy Hubbard

About Wendy

Wendy Hubbard, M.Ed., SEP, is a Pathwork Helper and Somatic Experiencing (SE) Practitioner. She has studied and practiced the Pathwork® for 25 years and SE for 10 years. She is also certified in Hellinger Family Constellation Work and Dynamic Attachment Re-patterning Experience (DARe). This rich mix of modalities and trainings informs her work and enables her to bring hope and healing to her clients. She provides individual and couples sessions and leads therapeutic groups and trainings, often with her husband, Pathwork Helper Tom Hubbard.

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