Beyond Broken

Self Exploration

Relationships Can Be So Puzzling


How many of us have come away from an interaction with a friend or relative and thought – wow that was unsatisfying!

It is often puzzling as this drawing suggests — what did I bring to the interaction — what did they bring?  What happened?

I had such an experience last week with a dear friend and colleague.  It was so inspiring to unravel what happened and feel the regret for my part.

Brene Brown defines connection from her research as:

“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

I retraced my steps with my friend.  I am deep into the study of ‘near enemies’ of connection and compassion.  They are these tricky/masquerading moments when we make a comment or add something to the conversation that looks like a kind, responsive contribution but actually stops the connection cold.

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When the weather moves

I get very excited when I watch a weather system move in across the sky.  Here on the Bay I watched one the other day.  It was bright and sunny on one end of the beach and ominous black clouds build up on the other end, moving across the sky towards me.  I felt energized and excited.  I remember a time sitting at a winery with my then five-year-old grandson. He is drinking “the best lemonade he ever had,” and I am drinking a glass of Chardonnay and we are both equally excited watching the weather move in across the mountains.  It looks dramatic and in minutes we are forced inside by the gale.

Why does this simple movement of weather invigorate me so?  I sit with this question as I watch the storm begin to scatter rain around me.  And the answer is simple.  It is a rare and wonderful privilege to witness cause and effect.  So often we wake up in the morning and experience the weather we are having.  We are ‘in’ the weather but we did not see the weather in the making….

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Watering Grasses

Last week I spent several hours watering grasses.  We had planted several thousand tiny grass plugs along the sandy banks of our shore at our bay house to help stabilize the sand.  Two days later the sun is intense and the little ones are drying out.  My husband Tom got out a huge variety of garden hoses including some borrowed from neighbors and we begin the task of watering each one.  “Water each grass twice.  The first one is to prepare the plant to drink, the second time is so that the water will be absorbed,” Tom instructs.

Even though it is early morning it is already blazing hot and about an hour into the project Tom points out that the hose nozzle I have been gripping has a lock that will hold it on.  Just like when you pump gas for your car!  You do not have to hold down the nozzle the whole time.  I use the lock and am grateful because my hand was getting cramped and tired.  However as we proceed — for another hour — I notice that I can’t seem to remember to stop pressing hard on the trigger, even though it is now locked in place.

I immediately know that I have a metaphor worth writing about!  How many things in life do we do with more effort than required!  I know for myself: many.  For example, on the long drive back to Charlottesville later in the week I notice that I am gripping the steering wheel instead of simply touching it lightly to steer the car.  What might we do with this extra effort if we could re-direct it in a useful direction?…

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Oh How We Suffer — Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome is rampant.  When it was first introduced in 1978 it was thought to mainly affect women but soon it was proven to be equally distributed between men and women with 70% of us suffering from it at some point in our lives.  I suspect that percentage is low.

The research suggests that one of the causes is demanding, overly protective parents.  This makes sense because this type of parenting can take away your self confidence and agency.  Brené Brown loves to say that struggle is what builds confidence and resilience.  If parents protect us from our struggles we do not feel capable to take on life’s challenges.

In my work with clients and from my own observations I have come up with another compelling reason that some of us suffer from Imposter Syndrome.  One of my clients is tormented by the voice in her head that says in a mean tone, “You do not know what you are doing, you are not keeping up to date in your field, you are going to do more harm than good.”  I ask her, “I wonder what job this voice has?”  Since Imposter Syndrome is not a mental illness I know that this active, instructive, mean voice is trying to help in some way.

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I Want to Write About Faith…

 

“I want to write about faith,” is the first line of one my favorite poems by David Whyte.  He continues, “but I have no faith myself…but let this then, my small poem…be the first prayer that opens me to faith.”

I have always loved this poem because from my experience, it describes the process of faith so honestly.

Recently a client asked me, “Wendy, do you pray?”  She is in the midst of her own struggles with faith.  “Yes I pray,” I said, “and prayer for me seems to have seasons.”  The answer came out without thought.  And I was pleased with it.  I have spent many years trying to ‘install’ a prayer practice in my life.  I memorized “Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace, where there is hatred let me sow love…etc.”  I learned ancient chants in odd languages, repetitive songs in Portuguese and most recently prayer beads each morning at the edge of the ocean.

During the Pandemic something changed.  The tremendous longing I felt to reach God — to feel some sort of communion— not to feel so alone, diminished.

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