Attachment
Relationships Can Be So Puzzling
How many of us have come away from an interaction with a friend or relative and thought – wow that was unsatisfying!
It is often puzzling as this drawing suggests — what did I bring to the interaction — what did they bring? What happened?
I had such an experience last week with a dear friend and colleague. It was so inspiring to unravel what happened and feel the regret for my part.
Brene Brown defines connection from her research as:
“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
I retraced my steps with my friend. I am deep into the study of ‘near enemies’ of connection and compassion. They are these tricky/masquerading moments when we make a comment or add something to the conversation that looks like a kind, responsive contribution but actually stops the connection cold.
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Watering Grasses
Last week I spent several hours watering grasses. We had planted several thousand tiny grass plugs along the sandy banks of our shore at our bay house to help stabilize the sand. Two days later the sun is intense and the little ones are drying out. My husband Tom got out a huge variety of garden hoses including some borrowed from neighbors and we begin the task of watering each one. “Water each grass twice. The first one is to prepare the plant to drink, the second time is so that the water will be absorbed,” Tom instructs.
Even though it is early morning it is already blazing hot and about an hour into the project Tom points out that the hose nozzle I have been gripping has a lock that will hold it on. Just like when you pump gas for your car! You do not have to hold down the nozzle the whole time. I use the lock and am grateful because my hand was getting cramped and tired. However as we proceed — for another hour — I notice that I can’t seem to remember to stop pressing hard on the trigger, even though it is now locked in place.
I immediately know that I have a metaphor worth writing about! How many things in life do we do with more effort than required! I know for myself: many. For example, on the long drive back to Charlottesville later in the week I notice that I am gripping the steering wheel instead of simply touching it lightly to steer the car. What might we do with this extra effort if we could re-direct it in a useful direction?…
I Want to Write About Faith…
“I want to write about faith,” is the first line of one my favorite poems by David Whyte. He continues, “but I have no faith myself…but let this then, my small poem…be the first prayer that opens me to faith.”
I have always loved this poem because from my experience, it describes the process of faith so honestly.
Recently a client asked me, “Wendy, do you pray?” She is in the midst of her own struggles with faith. “Yes I pray,” I said, “and prayer for me seems to have seasons.” The answer came out without thought. And I was pleased with it. I have spent many years trying to ‘install’ a prayer practice in my life. I memorized “Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace, where there is hatred let me sow love…etc.” I learned ancient chants in odd languages, repetitive songs in Portuguese and most recently prayer beads each morning at the edge of the ocean.
During the Pandemic something changed. The tremendous longing I felt to reach God — to feel some sort of communion— not to feel so alone, diminished.
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The Mandala Moment
This past fall a class gathered to take a deep dive into the topics of Autonomy and Authority. Eleven of us from around the world took on the challenges and the promise of this work. First we opened up to an audacious concept that infinite possibilities are available to us at any moment. It is amazing to tap into this energy — that all you can imagine already exists waiting for you to grasp it! Then we had to examine deeply what is in our way of actually doing so. Each of us looked and felt our young emotional dependency, waiting for a parental figure, a gate keeper, to give us the permission we felt we needed as children. In this mindset someone or something was in the way of what we wanted — of all that was possible. We each had to answer the question — what do I really want when I wait and lean on another for all that is already waiting for me? This was a vulnerable place. I could feel each of us literally grow up a bit as we began to activate in our selves what we wanted from another.
Next we embraced another huge, expansive idea. If you focus inward and are willing to go through the uncomfortable emptiness, you will find everything! This is a challenging practice. We found constant distractions. And then we found that what was in our way was how we all give over our attention to outward authorities and wrestle with them instead of finding our own inner authority. The promise of an ongoing practice of turning inward versus reaching out is that we will experience vibrancy, aliveness and an unleashing of our innate creativity….