Each of us has words we say to ourselves silently that we would never speak out loud to anyone else. These words become so familiar they barely reach conscious thought but they carry very negative energy. With my clients we have excavated phrases like “you are such an idiot”, “you are a fat big”, “you do not even deserve to live”, or “you are worthless” and more. You might be interested in listening for what you say to yourself. This self-contempt is so painful, but is actually meant to protect us. If we say these things to ourselves we will fend off the criticism of others. We will whip ourselves into better shape (smarter, thinner, deserving, etc). Sometimes these words were said to us and we have internalized them. Sometimes we just lived in an environment where our significant others interacted with us in a way to make us draw these conclusions. For example, one of my client’s Dad was a policeman. When he came home after a long day of work all he wanted to do was watch police chase videos on TV or Pornography on the computer which was in the living room. His Dad did not delight in him or show interest in him. He drew the conclusion that he must be an idiot and he now has trouble focusing on tasks — finishing things he starts. This of course confirms his phrase “You are such an idiot”.
The healing of this dynamic has some challenging but very clear steps. Self-contempt is in our control. First we have to excavate these phrases. Listen for them in our background thoughts and self talk. Then we have to challenge their validity. Is it true I am idiot? A fat pig? This challenge immediately softens the energy these phrases carry. Next we have to go into the early scenarios that began this self talk. Go into the living room and feel how much you wanted your Dad’s attention and how he was not interested in you. As you feel this also allow yourself to feel how this really happened to you. You were a cute, creative kid. You deserved attention and support. You needed it. Once you allow yourself to feel your feelings and really validate what happened, you are on your way to healing….
